RECONCILIATION & FORGIVENESS
Definition: from the Latin reconciliare, to bring
back. We understand it as restoring friendly relations between persons
previously alienated.
Questions to be asked are:
1.
Does God ask us to reconcile
with one another? And, if so, why?
2.
How do you do it? Does
it mean whitewashing the problems of the past?
3.
Is it weak to reconcile
with someone who has hurt you? To forgive them? Is that letting someone get
away with murder and opening the door for them to abuse you all over again.
The heart of
reconciliation is forgiveness, for you will not reconcile without that key
element. Hence, we need to understand forgiveness in some depth. There are
really 3 elements defining forgiveness. Let’s look at them.
A. THREE ELEMENTS
(BCP, pages 446-452)
“When the penitent has confessed all serious
sins troubling the conscience and has given evidence of due contrition, the priest
gives such counsel and encouragement as are needed and pronounces absolution. Before giving
absolution, the priest may assign to the penitent a psalm, prayer, or hymn to
be said, or something to be done, as a sign of penitence and act of thanksgiving.” (BCP, page 446)
1. Contrition: Confessing, naming your sins;
being sorry, repentant (Joshua 5:16; Psalm 32:1-5; Hosea 14:3; Acts 19:18; 1 John. 1:9)
During a
confession of sin in a church service, a person must confess his or her sins,
not simply to God, but also to everyone in the church. The behavior of one has
an impact upon all. You are not an island, but live in a community.
Throughout
time, the way this would be done has changed. In the first centuries after
Christ, a formal confession to a priest before the community at church was done
only in 3 matters: idolatry, adultery, and murder. Later, theft was added.
Smaller sins were confessed in general during a church service.
For the
larger sins, the person was classified by the priest as a "penitent",
and the person had to perform a public penance, and was not allowed to receive
communion. Absolution was given on Maundy Thursday, after which the person was
again considered worthy of communion.
Around
600 AD, under the influence of Irish monasticism, the custom grew to confess
private, smaller sins. Confession and absolution were simultaneous, and done
privately.
The main
point, however, in this part of forgiveness is that the person must be
contrite, that is, truly sorry. Otherwise, it lacks genuineness. Consider the
story of the woman who comes to the dinner party of Simon the Pharisee to
confess her sins, crying so hard that she is able to use her tears to wash the
feet of Jesus, and uses her hair to dry them (Luke 7: 36-50). Seeing the extent
of her contrition, and the contrast to the narcissistic, snobby Simon, Jesus
tells her that her sins have been forgiveness because of the extent of her
faith, saying "Your faith has saved you; go in peace."
2. Absolution: Forgiveness based on the potential of sinner + kindness of forgiver
(Luke 7:47; John 8:1-11; Acts 10:43 & 26:18):
The Lord
is the fountain of forgiveness, always ready to forgive, even from the cross.
Why? Because of the power, the potential, of the person for growth; God loves
the innate value of each of his creations (Numbers 14:19).
Consider
the story of the woman caught in the act of adultery, where the crowd wants to
stone her to death. Jesus humbles the crowd by reminding them that only he who
is without sin has the right to cast the first stone. No one does. The crowd
sheepishly disperses. But, here is an important question? Why did Jesus not
cast the first stone? He was without sin. Why did he instead tell her to go and
sin no more? The crowd would have thought him an unrealistic, naive, Pollyanna.
But, he was not. What did he see in the woman that the crowd did not?
This is
why Jesus asks us to forgive one another, and that God will forgive us
according to how we forgive others (Matthew 6:14; Mark 11: 25; Luke 17:3). To
forgive is to be an optimist, and to rejoice in the hope of happiness for a
lost sheep. Consider this concluding prayer of the rite of reconciliation in
the Book of Common Prayer:
Now there is rejoicing in heaven; for you were lost, and are found; you
were dead, and are now alive in Christ Jesus our Lord. Go in peace. The Lord
has put away all your sins.” (BCP, page 451)
3. Penitence: Genuine, Consistent
Change; Amendment of Behavior; Reparation (Isaiah 55:7; Jeremiah 14:20 &
36:3): Without this element, we no longer feel the seriousness of sin.
People are able to "get away with murder", because there are no
consequences for their behavior.
Amendment
means reparation, perhaps meaning restitution of monies stolen, good works, or
penitential works. Or, quite simply, to begin doing the opposite of what was
done wrong. If sarcastic, then kind + direct. If defaming the name of someone,
then restore their good name. If lying, then telling the truth.
This is
the old concept behind the penance imposed by a Roman Catholic priest in the
confessional. Not simply 5 Our Fathers and 5 Hail Marys, but actual behavioral
change that must be accepted before absolution is given. No willingness to
change means no absolution. The priest has the right to not forgive, but rather
retain, the sin! (John 20:21-23). The Old Testament also clearly notes that
without amendment of life, God does not forgive Judah because of its pride
(Isaiah 2:9) or Israel because of its continuing idolatry (Deuteronomy 29:19)
and its stubborn refusal to change (2 Kings 24:4).
The goal
here is not to hurt the penitent, but rather to save him. The goal is to start
the person on the path to being a renewed person, open to growth and happiness,
and realizing that he is in the process of the creation and maturity of who he
is. The consequence of every action is written on his or her soul, good or bad,
and so the church is trying to maximize the chance for the consequence to be
good. While humans are stubbornly resisting a call to greater maturity and
happiness, God remains patient (Romans 3:25).
PROBLEM: PERSON NOT REPENTANT:
But,
what if after all this the person continues to hurt you?
Then,
you withdraw your forgiveness and separate yourself from the person so as to
avoid being hurt.
We tend
to forget that in Christian theology, Jesus told his disciples “Whose sins you
shall forgive, they are forgiven them. Whose sins you shall retain, they are retained.” (John 20: 21-23).
To make
this clearer, if I kept punching you in the nose and asking for your
forgiveness, eventually, you would determine that enough is enough, tell me to
leave, and even put up your fists to protect yourself. Are you being
UnChristian? No, just UnStupid! God does not want you to be a punching bag,
just to give others who are genuinely sorry, a chance to change.
B. TWO ASPECTS
1. Assertive: to speak the truth, to
challenge someone to grow.
Often,
we picture the expression of anger as the antithesis of being a Christian, as
if anger and love can not co-exist. And yet, Jesus was able to assert himself,
and to express justified anger. He was angry at the heartlessness of the
Pharisees (Mark 3:5; Matthew 12:34 & 23:33). He is also angry at the lack
of belief in the crowd (Matthew 17:17). Paul tells us that false teachers incur
the anger of God (Ephesians 5:6), and that the impenitent man will be sorry
when the day of wrath comes (Romans 2: 4-5), avenging all evil (Romans 12:19).
Those who
express anger in an assertive manner take a considerable risk. Occasionally,
such bravery is rewarded, but more often, it is punished. Consider the
following examples:
Nathan (1000-960 BC) confronts King David
for committing adultery with Bathsheba, and having her husband Uriah killed.
While all in the kingdom know what happened, no one dared to speak the truth.
It is only after the truth is brought forth that true healing can begin. This
is made possible by the genuine repentance of King David. (see below for this example in more depth)
Amos (760-750 BC) confronts King Jeroboam
and the people of the northern Kingdom of Israel for charging the poor too much
for products, and then putting them in jail when they can not pay. Amos is
ignored and treated as though he was mentally ill.
Isaiah (742-701 BC) confronts many kings,
primarily King Ahaz, for worshipping false gods and for Ahaz even
sacrificing his own son to them. Isaiah is not killed, but ignored, and in
anger, he gives the son a proof of the power of God: a virgin shall give birth
to a son named Emmanuel. All then clearly thought Isaiah had "lost
it".
Jeremiah (626-587 BC) confronts King
Zedekiah and the people of the southern kingdom of Judah for putting their
trust in a foreign alliance with Egypt against Babylon, and not in God.
Jeremiah is ostracized, spit at, imprisoned, and stoned to death for his
stance.
John the Baptist (30 AD) confronts Herod
Antipas, son of Herod the Great and tetrarch of Galilee. Herod Antipas had
done many wonderful things, rebuilding the city of Sepphoris, and founding the
city of Tiberias on the West shore of the Sea of Galilee. However, John
criticizes him for stealing his half-brother's wife (Herodias, wife of Herod
Philip). John is beheaded.
Jesus (33 AD) speaks out against the hypocrisy
of the practices of the Pharisees and Sadducees. He is crucified.
2. Sensitive: to speak in a sensitive
vs. sarcastic manner. St. Paul notes that, while anger is acceptable, the
control of anger is important, being a condition of being made a bishop (1
Timothy 2:8; Titus 1:7). Even when you admonish someone, you are to speak to
him not as an enemy, but rather as a brother (2 Thessalonians 3:14-15).
So, both
aspects are needed. To be assertive without being sensitive is to be cruel, and
to be sensitive without being assertive is to be weak and "wimpy".
Therefore, forgiveness means facing the truth, but doing so with kindness. It
means, as one person once put it, using both sandpaper and blankets.
C. THE CONSEQUENCES
OF FREE CHOICE
1. Reward: United
with Others Heaven
2. Punishment Divided
from Others Hell
Forgiveness
offers the sinner another chance to change, to grow, to mature, and to become
happier. The purpose of life is to make a choice between good and evil, a
choice which is borne out more by what we do than by what we say.
The
judgment of God is not arbitrary. While getting to heaven is determined by the
salvation of Jesus, who died for us on the cross, the manner in which we go to
heaven is determined by our own behavior. That we go to heaven is
determined by Jesus; how we go to heaven is determined by us.
If you
choose to view your neighbor as a potential sucker to manipulate, then you will
never develop friendships, never get close to anyone. When you die, and are
unable to get close to God, or to your mother, father, brothers and sisters,
and you realize that this state will exist for all eternity, we call that state
Hell.
However,
if you choose to view your neighbor as a potential friend, always being willing
to help out when you can, then you will learn the secret of life, that to give
is to receive. You will have learned how to love, how to be close to others.
When you die, and are able to be close to God and your family, we call that
state Heaven.
The
judgment of God is, therefore, simply to allow you to have the consequences of
your own actions. The punishment for being selfish is to be selfish. It is
written on your soul, and no amount of fast talking will change that reality.
You are stuck with your choice for all eternity, good or bad. Hence, the moral
of every Sunday for you is "Carpe Diem", make the most of every day
for each interaction with each person defines who you are and how happy you
will be.
So,
forgive others, as they are their own worst enemy if they do not awaken to hear
the Good News which is preached to them. And forgive yourselves, for it is
unwise to waste the present by punishing yourself for the past. Instead, learn
from your mistakes, and live a full life, becoming all that God created you to
be.
Biblical Texts
on
Reconciliation:
The Call to
be Christian, Like Christ, a Symbol of God’s Love:
Matthew 5:23-24: “If you are offering your gift at the
altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave
your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother,
and then come and offer your gift.”
We are to be like Christ, visible symbols of God’s
love. Therefore, if we want God to forgive us, is it not reasonable that we be
expected to forgive others? But why forgive? Why not hold a grudge? What is
there in your brother to cause you to give him another chance?
The Prodigal
Son: Time Lost even in a Person Found
Luke 15:25-32
The father is moved with pity, runs to his son, and
hugs him. His loyal son is hurt, and angrily does not want to come to the party
that his father has thrown to welcome home his brother.
When answering the angry son, the father says, “My son, you are with me always and all I
have is yours. But your brother was dead and has come to life; he was lost and
now is found.” (Luke 15:31-32)
The point is that the Prodigal Son has already lost by
being “prodigal”, namely, by spending lavishly in thinking that material goods
make one happy. He has wasted years by being shallow. The other brother has had
the benefit of closeness with his father, enabling him to go deeper in his
understanding of life. But, now that the younger son has awakened, now that he
sees the spiritual side of life, he can still grow, although never to the depth
of the elder son who has had more time, time that can never be recaptured by
the prodigal son.
Forgiveness:
Forgiveness:
A Wake Up Call
Genesis 45:5-11
Joseph criticizes the Hebrews for not being nice to
the Egyptians, for not giving them food when they are hungry. How are they to
experience the one true God, a God of love, if God’s people are not loving, are
not worthy symbols on earth of their God in heaven?
Romans 12:20:
Paul tells the Romans
that we are to give food and comfort even to enemies. Why? Because we believe
that inside each person there is good, and the hope is that treating someone
with kindness will help them realize that their hatred is pushing them away
from others and thus from happiness.
The
Unforgiving Debtor: A Toxic Example
Matthew 18:23-35
This is the story of the unforgiving debtor whom the
Master forgives a debt of 10,000 talents, but who then refused to forgive
others who owed him smaller sums (100 denarii). The Master becomes furious and
asks, “Were you not bound to have pity on
your fellow servant, as I had on you?” (Matthew 18:33)
Was he? What is pity? It is sorrow at the misfortune
of others. If someone is down and out, relieving them of their debt frees them
to then do good for others, it banks on their good nature. However, if someone
refuses to do that, they make the person more discouraged, more cynical, and
hence less willing to reach out again in trust to others. The unforgiving debtor
has made growth harder by making life harder. It is bad enough to choose to be
selfish, but to be toxic to the growth of someone else is sinful.
The Lord’s
Prayer: Forgive Us Our Trespasses As
---
Matthew 6:12
In the Lord’s Prayer, we are asked God to “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive
those who trespass against us”.
This means that we shall be allowed to be as deep
spiritually as we choose to be. If we choose to be selfish, to hoard wealth, to
be manipulative of others to claw our way to the top, then the judgment of God
will be to accept our judgment, to allow us to be divided off from others.
This is similar to the Book of Exodus when Moses is
told by God that the punishment of Pharaoh will be the punishment that Pharaoh
himself pronounces on the Jews. When he selects the death of the first born, it
is the first born of the Egyptians who die. We get what we choose: a little or
a lot. Thinking that we have gotten away with it, we are stuck with the person
whom we have chosen to become.
Vengeance is
Mine
Mark 11:25
Romans 12:19
Revenge: Paul notes that we should “never try to get revenge; leave that to
God’s anger”, remembering the passage, “Vengeance
is mine” says the Lord (Deut. 32:35).
This does not mean that your enemies will be tossed
into the fiery torture of Hell, but rather that, as life is a series of free
choices that define who you are, the judgment of God is to hold you to your
judgment—for eternity!
The Example
of Christ on the Cross
Luke 23:34
On the cross, Jesus says, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do”. Does he mean
that they do not know that he is God and they are in BIG trouble?
No. He means that they do not realize how a life of
greed, power, and murder rob a person of the depth of growth to which they were
called. Jesus hopes that his example of forgiving when most people would spit
on their torturers, his turning the other cheek, will awaken the Pharisees and
soldiers to the true meaning of life and how they are wasting their lives.
The Promise
of God to Forgive (or Not)
Matt. 6:15
“If you forgive others their failings,
your heavenly Father will forgive you
yours; but if you do not forgive others, your Father will not forgive your failings either.”
This does not mean that God will not forgive, as much
as it means that God will allow you to become what you choose to become,
selfish, shallow, and divided off from others.
Forgiveness
Retained if Not Repentant
John 20:21-23
Forgiveness is, therefore, a chance, an opportunity to
turn your life around, to have a real metanouia. To be real, to emphasize how
important this is, Jesus tells the Apostles that unless a person is repentant,
they have the right to not grant absolution, namely, “Whose sins you shall forgive are forgiven them. Whose sins you shall
retain, are retained.”
The Consequence of Not being
Repentant:
Matthew 18:15-18: A 3-Step Process:
Step 1:
“Jesus said, ‘If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault,
between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”
(verse 15)
Step 2: “But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that
every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses.” (verse 16)
Step 3:
“If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to
listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”
(verse 17)
Romans
16:17-18: "Now I exhort you,
brethren, that you watch those who cause dissensions and scandals contrary to
the doctrine that you have learned, and avoid them. For such do not serve
Christ our Lord, but their own belly, and by smooth words and flattery deceive
the hearts of the simple."
1
Corinthians 5:11: "But now I
write to you not to associate with one who is called a brother, if he is
immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or evil-tongued, or a drunkard, or
greedy; with such a one not even to take food."
2
Thessalonians 3:14-15: "And
if anyone does not obey our word by this letter, note that man and do not
associate with him, that he may be put to shame. Yet, do not regard him as an
enemy, but admonish him as a brother."
SUMMARY
RECONCILIATION & FORGIVENESS
A. THREE ELEMENTS
1. Contrition: Confessing; being repentant;
naming your specific
sins; being sorry.
2. Absolution: Based on the potential of the sinner
+ the kindness of the
forgiver.
3. Penitence: Genuine, Consistent Change; Reparation.
B. TWO ASPECTS
1. Assertive: To speak the truth,
To challenge someone
to grow.
2. Sensitive: To speak in a sensitive vs. sarcastic
manner.
C. THE CONSEQUENCES
OF FREE CHOICE
1. Reward: United with Others Heaven
2. Punishment: Divided from Others Hell
Prepared by:
The Reverend Peter K. Stimpson
Executive Director,
M.Th., M.S.W., L.C.S.W., B.C.D.
Executive Director
Trinity Counseling
Service
22 Stockton Street
Princeton, New Jersey
08540
609-924-0060